life as we know it.
|I'm shy, he's silly. We fit together.|
As easy as it is to wallow in the whole my three month old is in the hospital recovering from major heart surgery thing, life keeps moving forward. Yesterday my husband and I had a long conversation about visiting Elliott in the hospital. As his mama, I feel compelled to be at the hospital at his bedside as much as possible, talking or singing to him, holding his tiny hand, or sitting quietly while he sleeps. Even if I am not allowed to be in his room because of a procedure taking place on Elliott or his roommate (who needs our prayers too! She is premature and very sick after heart surgery), I feel better being at the hospital. I can pump, I can eat, I can sit on my duff in the cafeteria playing Shoot Bubble Deluxe on my phone (very addicting). Being within a 30 second walk of Elliott makes me feel better. I have less anxiety sitting in the hospital than I do at home. These days, it's where I like to be.
My husband reminded me yesterday that I am not just a mother. I am a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister, a human being with needs. I guess he's right, it's okay to step away from the hospital from time to time, but it's very hard. We are pregnant for an anxious and very long nine months. We look forward to taking care of these little creatures for over half of a year. Their arrival changes our lives. Having my role as caretaker to Elliott ripped out from under me like a rug has been crushing. I had two months of quiet at home alone with Elliott before the life as I knew it came crashing down. Those were the most wonderful, exhausting, and stressful two months of my whole life right up until we found out the truth about Elliott's heart. Now, I just want them back. Instead, Elliott has care 24/7 from medical professionals. I can change his diaper if I want when I am there, but other people bathe him, feed him, swaddle him up. I'll get to do all that again soon, but as a mama I want to be the only one doing it, ever.
I am learning I need to break free from all of this. I suppose it may be because he's my first child that I am feeling this way. It's okay to go Christmas shopping and enjoy time with friends without Elliott. He's no longer critical, so I am okay to step away a little bit each day from the sad environment of the children's hospital. But it's hard, so very hard.
The world continues to revolve, and not around me or my situation. A few things that have happened lately, giving me reason to smile:
- Some of our closest friends, Matt & Kristin (and their dachshund Harvey!) are closing on a house right down the street from us! We are so thrilled to have this couple as neighbors!
-I had my first drink last night in over a year. I am not a drinker really, and I really thought that my days of having a drink with dinner were over after I found I got pregnant (almost exactly a year ago!). But having a pomegranate margarita with our Mexican dinner shared with our aforementioned new neighbors sure felt nice! (Not so thrilled about about to pump & dump last night, though.)
- My brother-in-law and his girlfriend hosted Thanksgiving dinner. My husband's entire family shared Thanksgiving with my family for the second year in a row, and that was just lovely. I was truthfully very sad that day to leave the hospital to have Thanksgiving dinner without my little boy, but sharing a delicious feast with everyone lessened the blow.
- I got a new camera a couple weeks ago while Elliott was home between hospital stays, the Canon EOS Rebel T3i. We had played with the idea of buying a better camera while I was pregnant, but it never happened. Then all of this happened. We decided that having a very good camera was just one of those new baby must haves. So happy we splurged. I am still learning how to use this thing, any tips?
-I woke up a few days ago and found a dead bluebird in our living room, along with pretty blue feathers scattered everywhere and a little blood splattered on the wall. Very sad, really, but that proud kitty just made us laugh. Pet door = no need for a cat litter box, but also, an occasional dead animal in your house. I am not sure which is worse.
- I have been getting better and better sleep each night that passes while Elliott is in the hospital. And I don't have to get up to soothe a crying baby. One good thing.
- We have been given countless casseroles, soups, pot pies, pizzas, you name it, since all of this started. Folks have taken us out for dinner or given us giftcards. I haven't made dinner in over a month! I actually love to cook, but it has been so nice to be relinquished of this responsibility with everything that has transpired.
- I am turning 31 in less than a week. I have told Elliott's doctors that that kid better be home by then or I am holding a grudge.
Happy, happy Sunday, friends!