it was you all along.
Reading RockerByeBaby's post tonight really hit home. Does my child really need me, or do I need him?
Yes, in a sense, he does need me. He needs me to provide him with his very basic needs; food, shelter, healthcare. A warm set of arms to comfort him any time, day or night. Someone to teach him right from wrong, sharing, how to read, how to make friends and treat others, how to balance his bank account. I'll be there for all that, that goes without saying.
But in those wee hours of the night when I am rock rock rocking Elliott with my head hanging low from exhaustion, eyes heavy, pleading inside to just pipe down already kid, it does occur to me. Often. Even on the hardest nights. Even on the nights when I woke up at home while Elliott was in the hospital, from a dead sleep, stricken with panic and my heart racing.
I need my little boy, too.
We tried for so long to have a baby. A year and a half, I think. 18 or so times I looked forward to my period being late so I could proudly waltz up to the register at the drug store and buy a pregnancy test. Several times I did. So excited to toss that pink box on the counter, heart fluttering with anticipation and excitement. I had no idea what having a baby would be like but all I knew was that I wanted one. So many of those months ended in disappointment. A lot of crying. Wondering if there was something wrong with me that wouldn't allow me to have babies. And honestly, when I finally did get confirmation of a positive pregnancy test a year ago, I felt so privileged. Waddling around with a big round belly for nine months, I felt privileged. And when I somehow pushed him out of my body (somehow... don't ask me how...), again, I felt privileged.
We almost lost our little boy. I don't know what we would have done if we did. We don't really think about it. It's useless to. But I do know I would have been devastated. The moment they plopped that newborn little baby onto my chest I knew he was what I had been waiting for. It was him all along. He was so brand new to my life (still is) and yet it was like we'd met before. Like he'd always been a part of me.
Those hard nights at 3 am when the crying won't stop, there are times I feel comforted by them. To look into his eyes and see him peering up at me is all I need. He needs me, and yet, I think I need him that much more.