in just a few days.

 I am feeling blue today.

Yesterday I emailed my boss about my upcoming return to work. It was a nonchalant kind of email. "Hi, there, ho there. I am coming back on Tuesday, can I change my work hours around though?" (I didn't really put hi there ho there in my email, but for purposes of sharing the tone of my note to my boss to you my readers, I felt like adding that in.) She responded back, saying of course I can change my work hours around, and CC'd human resources in case they had anything else to add.

And then, realization set in. I am going back to work in less than a week. I am leaving my baby. I am leaving my baby with a heart problem at home with someone else. Will he not bond with me as much? Will he bond with his caretakers more and not like/love me as much? Will he start taking less naps during the day and start going to bed earlier, thus, leaving me less time with him in the evening? Will he hit all of his firsts when I am not there (first time sitting up, first time standing, first word, etc.)? And what in the eff am I going to do about pumping (I owe you all a part two to my breastfeeding story). And so, tears. Tears through getting the feeding pump ready. Tears through the feeding. Tears through a diaper change. It must have affected poor Elliott too, because he cried the entire time I was crying.

Oh, dear friends, suddenly I don't feel ready. I am having to look for a part-time nanny and it is making me sick to my stomach. There is a part of me ready to get back so I can just finish this chapter of my life already, be the working mom instead of the mother who just had her first baby and is still trying to figure it all out. Get our finances in order. See my good friends at work on a daily basis again (like this amazing girl). Time away from the madness that is holing yourself up in your house and not seeing the light of the sun for days at a time and solely focusing on baby, baby, baby is probably a very good thing for my soul. Schedule, routine. Moving forward with life after the insane last five months I've had.

Oh, and the thing that breaks my heart the most but is likely the most true: Elliott may actually thrive and develop better/faster/differently from getting a break from just me all day. A fresh pair of eyes and a mind with a different perspective that will challenge his growth and development.

Hearing the stories of friends and family having to return to work doesn't make me feel better emotionally about going back to work, but it does bring me back to reality about the whole thing. It is necessary for us to function as a two-person household. Mommies go back to work after having a baby all the time, and it's not the end of the world. It's hard at first, but gets easier with time. Their babies still love them and reach out for them when they get home each night. Elliott will always know who his mom is, even though I fear that he won't. The bottom line: going back to work is mandatory and inevitable.

It's coming in less than a week. In just a few days. And no, I am not ready.


  1. I know that feeling. I've been there, just with my hh daughter. Oh good lord...the guilt! The worry! The "what ifs"!

    It's no fun, but it will all be fine. Shall I repeat? It will all be fine! He WILL be stimulated by new environments...and so will you. He WILL benefit from exposure to other people and other textures, sounds, smells, sights...and so will you! Here's what I learned, which was a really tough lesson because I actually was yearning to go back to work. I can't be everyone to my kids. Just like I can't be everyone to my husband or friends or family...blah blah blah. But, by letting go a little bit on how close I am in proximity and allow all of us to learn and grow in the best kinds of ways, I became a better mom. (And, a better wife, sister, friend, etc.) And, even though these well qualified, totally loving professionals were burping and encouraging and soothing my daughter, I was still the center of her world.

    Give it a chance. Take a deep breath and just try. You're a good mom. If it's not working, you'll change things! You'll adjust and respond and always keep his best interests at the center of your mind. Nothing is ever permanent, especially in parenting!

    Wow. Didn't mean to write a tome! Hang in there, mamma! Remember? It's all going to be fine. :)

  2. You know what's sad? The highlight of my day is always when I walk into the house after work and Amaliya, who was playing happily with her grandparents or whoever, takes one look at me and bursts into inconsolable sobs until I pick her up. I know she still loves me :)

    And yeah, he'll definitely bond with his caretakers and behave SO differently with them... but that's actually a beautiful thing to behold. After all, if they didn't bond with other people, they'd be living in our guest rooms until they're 40. I've accepted the fact that the first time she rolls over/sits/walks may not be in front of me, but that doesn't matter - the first time she does it FOR ME will be what counts and what goes in the baby book (is that cheating? I don't care!)

    There's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about this, you just have to take the plunge! Just know that, whatever happens and whatever adjustments your family has to make, one thing remains constant: you are a kick-ass mom :-)


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