it will be okay.

A mess at the changing table.

So comes the end of the night. Baby is fed, watching a little bit of pre-bedtime basketball with papa while I have a moment alone. Folding laundry. Dishes. Many other to-do's still yet to be done: piles of bills to be sorted & paid, a messy little boy's room in need of a pick up, bottles & medicine syringes to be washed. It can all wait. Instead, I can soak up the sounds of the home in my quiet of my mind. It's not quiet here, with the heater making heating-the-house noises and the shouts & excitement from the TV. The dog barking at God knows what outside. It is quiet in a different way. A way that allows a moment for me to clear my head. A way to prepare for things to come. The changes to come in just one more day.

I don't mean to harp on this, but I feel like I am at a crossroads here. I can't help but dwell on it. This little life enters your life so suddenly and becomes the center of your universe. It's nearly impossible to focus on anything else. I guess it's kind of like when I fell in love for the first time. Did you know that I am married to my first love? He came into my life and I fell, hard. I think it was a bit unrequited, but man was I in love. And then, he broke my heart. Later on I fell in love again, with someone else. Heartbreak, again. And then this quirky, effervescent man came back into my life, pronounced his love for me; my love for him only intensified. He was the one, he was always the one.

Being in love is very distracting. Even now when I am not with him I find myself staring at pictures of him sometimes. Thoughts of intimacy with him still gives me butterflies. There are times when being away from him is painful.

A child.... a child is another love. A person I am finding that I am truly in love with, more each day. A different kind of love, and possibly, a little more intense. He is my flesh and blood and there were times that we were apart that made me ache in my chest. This time apart will be much different from times before, but still. Still, I am anticipating an ache deep in my chest until I learn that it will be okay.

It will be okay. I have been told that, I know that, but I still feel afraid. Afraid that something will happen to my child when I am away at work. That his heart might stop. Yes, I am afraid for my child's life at times, and if something were to happen, I want to be there. In my right mind I know, deep, that nothing will happen; that kid  is healthy in spite of everything. And yet my heart still aches at the unknown.

This crossroad I am at, this is my learning to be okay with things. To let things go and let them be. There will be so much time to spend with my little boy, and a measly little (necessary) 40-ish hours a week isn't going to change us. It won't change his love for me, mine for him. Just like my first true love. That time apart only brought us closer together.

Comments

  1. I will happily cover for you if you end up spending most of the day tomorrow calling home and/or crying in the car. It happens. Be brave, my friend!

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