a wish for elliott.

Elliott at 6 months

Little boy,

You are the first little one who touched my heart, who made me a mother. You will always be my first born, my first joy, my first trial & error, my first child. I've written you several letters here on this blog documenting the changes you have represented in my life, but for the first time I would like to make a wish for you as a soon-to-be-big brother.

You are going to be a big brother! Can you believe it? You must first always know that just because you will begin sharing your life with mama & papa along with this other kid, you will always be an enormous part of my heart. The blood in your veins is the same blood that runs through mine. In many of our joyous moments with you and in all of our hardest, you have taught your pops and I many lessons about unconditional love and compassion. Already. You are still just a tiny little thing that wakes us up in the wee hours of the night and yet you've been one of my greatest teachers. I can't ever express enough how blessed I am to be your mom and how much I thank you for being a part of our family.

The feelings I felt that came with the news of learning about your little brother or sister, to be honest, were not the most positive at first. I feared about our financial situation and losing more of who I was before becoming a mother, because, little one, having any baby in your life is a huge adjustment. You came with a few extra challenges and but truth be told even if you hadn't, we still would have required adjusting. A change we welcomed whole-heartedly, but still, a change. And knowing that you would be still a baby when your baby brother or sister was born, well, it scared your mama out of her gourd.

But guess what? You will be a fantastic big brother. You will, I know it. As time went on and I had a chance to think, I realized that this new little brother or sister will not just be a blessing to your me and your papa, he or she will also be a blessing to you. It pains me to think you will experience more heart surgeries and challenging doctor visits, and who knows what else, but to know there will always have a friend in the back seat of the car next to you, riding out the unknown with you, it brings me a little peace.Your little brother and sister will find their own way in the world that will be different from yours, but he or she will be the first friend you'll ever know. Your brother or sister will love you. Their beating heart will have a place for you it. And the blood that runs in your veins, it's the same blood already running in their veins, too.

I am already so very sorry that this new baby may pull some attention away from you. It is my hope that it never comes to that, but you are already such a big boy, and will have come a long, long way from where this little baby will be when he or she is first born. This baby will need a little extra attention, and really, it is a good thing. You are growing, and with each day you need me a teeney bit less. I will always be your mama and you will always be my baby, and I am always right by your side even though you'll have to share me with someone else. Your papa, me, and your little brother or sister will always be by your side. We love you, Elliott. You are a perfect fit into our family, and in spite of the all the changes to come your place in it will never change.

All the love in the world to you, my sweet little boy.
Your mama

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