on being pregnant (again).
I was not one of those lucky girls who got to enjoy being sans-cycle for a few months while breastfeeding. Maybe because I was pumping instead of nursing, but according to my mom, it runs in the family. Nine weeks of post-partum bleeding followed by my regular, run of the mill period a week later, while Elliott was still at the hospital after being diagnosed with a heart defect. Starting up and running just like clockwork, again. It was like salt in the wounds. Tired, emotional, scared, and oh yeah! Mr. Monthly Visitor is here! Hooray!
Of course, being that we had planned to have another semi-soon and I wasn't on any standard method of birth control it was nice to have this little monthly visitor, in a way. A reminder that my cycle was, well, in cycle. A reminder that things were working the way they should. And most importantly, a reminder that I was no longer pregnant.
And came along mid-February. I was about a month or so back to work. I was feeling tired, I was constantly hungry, and I was moody. I was pretty certain that this had something to do with being back at work, and being exhausted constantly by a stringent schedule again. Elliott's appointments with various specialists were starting to wear on me, and Elliott had stopped sleeping well at night. I could barely keep my eyes open past 7 p.m. I was pretty sure my period was coming along again until I thought, hey, when is my period due? And then I realized, I was not experiencing hormonal changes and exhaustion from simply being back at work. I was a week late.
For the next several days, I was in denial. It must be because work is paying a toll, I am adjusting to being a working mommy, right? No. At about two weeks late I took a pregnancy test, and it was confirmed. I was pregnant again. Elliott and his little sibling would only be about 14 months apart.
My husband's reaction: I am not sure how this happened, but, yay! This is what we wanted! How cool for Elliott to have a brother or sister so close in age! Me? I can't believe we are so irresponsible and stupid!
As time wore on and I saw the first ultrasound photo, I became slowly okay with the idea. I was very much experiencing pregnancy symptoms again, the front-runner being extreme exhaustion. I was a little upset to be feeling this way again so very soon. And really, to be putting on the pregnancy weight I had just recently lost. I was very nervous to tell family and friends, after all, wouldn't they think I was as irresponsible as I felt?! Would they think I was crazy? I assumed so. And there I was throwing up in the parking lot at work... thank goodness no one saw me. Like it or not, though, there baby number two was, inside my already-ballooning belly. Week 12 of my pregnancy hit, and the fears I felt about miscarriage dissipated (because even though I was reluctantly pregnant, I was still on edge until the 12 week marker came). Baby #2 is on his/her way!
I started to tell friends, family, my boss, and realized that while this was not planned, this baby was no accident. This baby was meant to be part of this family. And my sweet Elliott would be a big brother. Bring it on baby # 2! I am terrified, but it's like being on a roller coasting, slowly traveling up to the top. I am scared, but really, I can't wait.