clear head; open heart.
I have to say, Taylor and I are leaving for a mini-getaway tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. I have been feeling better these days, physically and emotionally, but still my head has been turning with a multitude of storms, clouding my thoughts, distracting my focus. I catch myself criticizing my body in front of the mirror and realize I need to curb that habit, now, before I pave a negative path of self-criticism for my daughter. I catch myself getting frustrated with my husband over the smallest things, when really I just need to speak up about my needs and expectations, or become truthful with myself when those expectations aren't realistic. I need to be more organized, but I can't sit on the couch at night with a stack of bills in front of me and my cell phone in hand, complaining about my lack thereof; I need to take action.
Yes, these are all things I need to think about, be aware of, cultivate within myself, but sometimes, I also need to allow myself to breathe. I have been less allowing of that these days, and it's hasn't made me any better of a mother/wife/daughter/employee/blogger/artist. Not in the slightest. I often find myself with too much to write about here, too much to say, a buzzing brain and less allowing to just let things be.
On Monday Elliott had a sedated echo cardiogram scheduled, and I was a mess that morning. I had my own appointments that afternoon and had to get a full day of work squeezed in, so my husband took Elliott to his echo and follow up with his cardiologist. I wasn't there with him, but knowing that we had to withhold feeds to sedate him made me unsettled. And when getting the text from my husband that for some reason, they were unprepared and out of the sedative, leaving my hungry boy crying and waiting for his bottle made me well up in tears at my desk. My mind spun, worrying about his tiny heart as he cried for over an hour. And his mama wasn't there. I wanted to so desperately be next him him during that moment. It hurt my heart to think of him, hungry, upset, and flustered, but I was at work, it was my day to take care of his sister.
It wasn't until that evening when I held him, for the first time, in my brother in law's jacuzzi, as he splashed and kicked happily, that I was able to feel settled in my heart again. It takes time to heal from the hard stuff, but there is no way you'll heal if you don't allow yourself a moment to breathe.
And so, here we go, a chance to get away, to spend time alone with my true love. A chance to clear my head, and open my heart to the wide open world I have at my fingertips. Tomorrow, it is my four-year wedding anniversary. Tomorrow, I will run to the ocean, clear my head, and open my heart.