Today is Saturday.
For any of us who works a standard Monday through Friday job, we all know that value of the weekend. Love our jobs, hate them, or finding some level of complacency in between doesn’t take away the excitement that comes with checking out late Friday afternoon.
I have been feeling that I am spread very, very thin these days. Most likely, it is because I am wearing more hats than I would choose to lately, a full-time worker, a mom to a baby, a pregnant woman, a wife, a house-keeper, a daughter, and whatever hat it is I am trying to wear for just for myself. I certainly feel like my mom hat, my pregnancy hat, my full-time employee hat are the toppers I don the most these days, and that I could do a better job wearing my wife and daughter hats a little more often. I guess the house-keeper hat can get stored in the back of the closet for a while, but what about the hat I get to wear when I have a moment alone? I have no idea where that hat even is sometimes.
And because of this, this hat juggling, I have been feeling, being honest here, very….cranky. It’s not a level of unhappiness by any means, and yet, there are some things I need to work on to change my overall mood. Maybe it is because I am pregnant with a little girl this time, but I am finding myself much more of an emotional, moody soul these days, crying at everything, snapping at my husband and my parents over the most trite things. Feeling unhappy with my bulbous appearance and wanting to pass out face down on this keyboard. My bones are tired, my eyes are tired, my brain is tired. I forget what I am doing or where I am going on my morning commute and take the wrong exit, or forget to turn on the right street. I am annoyed with the ring of each phone call, it doesn’t matter who it is. At times, I feel like I am living in a fog.
It may make one wonder why I blast all of this stuff here on the internet for everyone to see. Friends, family, voyeurs, creepies, IRS Auditors. Anyone and everyone can come and read about my stance on breastfeeding or how our finances are a little out of control right now. Maybe it is none of their business, maybe I shouldn’t be making it my business to put it all out into the unknown universe. But during weeks like this, when I am tired and emotional , this is my place to come, to choose my words carefully, and get the things that are in my heart off of my chest. A place to sort through things in my head. To make realizations that I can could be better about my attitude toward certain things. To recognize I have a beautiful life with much that I am blessed by. A family, a safe place to live, food in my belly. This is my place. This is my blog, and I do not write out these things with closed passion that is only open to happy things. It is open to everything that is real in my heart.
And I can’t promise I won’t make the selfish occasional rant, or share an opinion that isn’t popular or politically correct here. I can’t promise I won’t make a bad decision and I certainly can’t say I won’t ever sit down to write here with a clear head. It may seem at times that I am sharing too much. Maybe it is because I am a product of my generation to be wearing so much of my heart on my blog but I’ll tell you what, dear readers. I am very thankful to have this blog and a place to share my thoughts. If any of you are like me, you like the anonymity that blogging brings, either through writing or reading others’; to know that you aren’t always so alone in your feeling a certain way. It is much cheaper (and more organic) than therapy, my friends.
So it is Saturday. With that, I am given a weekend and a special chance. A chance to renew my spirit by sleeping an extra thirty minutes if my little boy allows. And if not, I’ll just use that time to snuggle with him. And contemplate and not feel so cranky. To soak in the sunshine through an open window. A two-day chance to start fresh and to think about things before I say them. A quiet morning with nowhere to rush off to. These are the things I can think about, however small. I will use my time (and my blog) to celebrate them. Have a great weekend, friends.