soaking it in.
Wow. Mamahood is... busy. Mamahood is insane. Mamahood makes me want to cry and yell and scream and be angry sometimes. Having a one year old who is learning the art of defiance and manipulation can really test your patience. Having a one month old who wants to nurse every two hours for a 30 minute stretch can drive you crazy if you let it. I post here a lot about finding the balance between being a mother and making time for myself and in the last month... I've had
Something feels different this time, with this new baby. I've had almost 15 months of practice working to find the balance and what strikes me most about the last 15 months is... they've been fleeting. My first baby boy. He's a big boy. A big brother with a new big boy haircut (have you seen my Instagram posts? Sob!!) and a big boy zest for curiosity and life. I look at him now, how he's changing constantly, and know that each stage he's in is so, so fleeting. Let's be honest, here: time for myself isn't as fun as he is.
I'm making it a point to get into a nighttime routine with Elliott again. Dinner about 7, bath around 8, bedtime at 9. Routine is good for these small little toddlers, and having a set routine allows me some one on one time with him while I give him his bath. Likewise, Taylor gets daddy daughter time with Penelope. And somewhere in there, I am making time to soak in Penelope as a newborn, as much as time permits. Today she is one month old, and this time around I am appreciating this stage a billion times more. With Elliott, I was a new mom and frazzled all the time and couldn't wait for him to gain some independence. To sit up by himself, hold his own bottle, play by himself for a few minutes at a time. Now, he's a big boy, and oh! How my heart hurts just a tiny bit when I think about it. Soon we'll be parenting on a whole new level; emotionally preparing him for his heart surgeries and the first day at school. Making friends and dealing with insecurities. I am not ready. I am not ready for any of it.
So now, while I have two months left of maternity leave I am making a deal with myself. I am taking it slow. Time for myself will be there again, someday, at some point. But my kids are changing with each blink of the eye. I am going to take the time to soak it all in.